Last week when I smashed my big toe in pole class, I began my regularly scheduled injury protocol:
It all starts with Shutdown Mode:
- Web MD that shit. Because self diagnosing. Strained/hyperextended big toe? I’m definitely dying. Web MD says so.
- Cease all unnecessary activities. Unnecessary activities might include (but are certainly not limited to) cleaning, laundry, cooking, showering, etc. Anything that doesn’t involve me laying on my couch surfing the Internet (for shutdown mode step #1 of course) and watching copious amounts of TV/Netflix should be cut right out of my schedule.
- Eat all of the food. Luckily, I’ve been on a healthy eating kick so there isn’t anything unhealthy hanging around my house. But I ate all of the healthy “snacks” I’ve been hoarding in mass quantities. I got my final box from Graze and ate the whole thing in one sitting. Eight snacks and zero fucks. Winning.
- I get cranky and go to the dark place. You know, everything sucks. Woe is me. I stop texting and calling people. My husband will tell you that this phase is probably his least favorite.
- I stop blogging. Sorry for this one. I just feel like if I write about it, it makes it real. I need a hot minute before I come to terms with reality.
Then, when I realize it IS real, I do what most normal people do:
- OD on NSAIDS: It’s my hope that whatever the issue is will clear up if I can get the inflammation down quickly and increase circulation to the area. I take 800mg of ibuprofen (or use a Flector patch), which people seem to think is a lot but that’s actually the dose for ibuprofen to act as an anti-inflammatory.
- Ice: I’m not above taking my ice pack out of my lunch box at work, strapping it to my affected appendage with a hair tie and carrying on with my day. As a matter of fact, I’m doing it right now.
- Foam Rolling/Stretching: Most likely if I’d been doing this all along, whatever the injury is would not have occurred in the first place (not the case with my recent toe trauma, but still something I decide to start doing regularly when injured). Why not start now and hope for a miracle?
- Massage and chiropractor: Also not helpful for my recent toe trauma but an avenue I typically pursue when injured. I usually try these guys before heading to a doctor.
- TENS Unit: A chiropractor gave me an e-stim machine so I whip that sucker out and try electrocuting myself when things are looking particularly bleak.
If none of that helps, I then proceed to start with my “voodoo shit”, as my husband likes to call it:
- Turmeric: I down turmeric supplements. I’m a regular turmeric user anyway, so I just increase my dosage. Does that make me sound like an addict? How my skin is not turning yellow at this point is beyond me.
- Bone Broth: I make a batch of bone broth. As the saying goes, “Good broth resurrects the dead”. Good broth resurrects my toe? Sure, let’s try it.
- Collagen shots: This is new for me. My sister in law is an esthetician and swears by this. It’s a mixture of powdered collagen, filtered water, apple cider vinegar, raw honey, fresh lemon juice. I was thinking of adding some turmeric to the next batch (because turmeric). It’s thought that collagen assists with wound healing and reduces inflammation…so…
Let’s go round twoShots shots shots shots shots shots
Shots shots shots shots shots
Shots shots shots shots shots
- Essential Oils are supposed to work miracles. I like mixing peppermint oil, tea tree oil, eucalyptus, and lavender and rub it on the affected area. I use something like 10 drops of essential oil to an ounce of carrier oil (like coconut, almond, or olive oil works) and massage it into the area. Bonus: you smell pretty, which helps offset the not showering from shutdown mode #2.
- Homeopathy: My go-to homeopathic remedies are Arnica, Ruta Graveolens, and Rhus Tox. I will use the pellets or arnica cream. Plus the little pellets taste like candy. So at worst, you get to eat little sugary tasting pellets.
- Tart Cherry Juice: supposedly, it’s like a magical elixir for inflammation. Down the hatch. Nom nom nom.
- Accupuncture: Haven’t gone this route for my toe yet but I have used this in the past. Being a human pin cushion is an interesting experience, and I love the girl I go to. Maybe I’ll try to get in EARLY next week, or immediately after Boston. Not something you want to do right before a race because it does make you sore.
And when all hope seems lost things are looking particularly dismal, I ask the big dogs for help:
You have St. Jude on the left, the patron saint of hopeless causes (like please let me wake up and find no pain in my toe), and St. Raphael on the right – he’s the archangel known as a supreme healer. Hey, I’m Catholic. I like the saints. Did you know St. Sebastian is the patron saint of athletes? He’s a boss, too ♥
I guess at that point, I should really go to a doctor. If it’s a running related injury like my Achilles or my calf, I absolutely go. If it’s something caused by running, I like to try to get some insight and get in for some PT if possible. In the case of my toe, there really isn’t anything they can do, so voodoo and prayers!
Any weird rituals that you hope will magically cure you when disaster strikes?